And Equality For All

Welcome to another edition of Mad Dawg’s Mad Mad World.  I’m your host, William “Mad Dawg” Berry and I would like to say that I hope you are having a very fine day today that bleeds into your weekend.  Today’s rant may contain analogies that might offend some.  I’ll try to keep it as toned down as possible, but I can’t promise anything.  Now let’s get down to business.

Ladies, I love you.  I love everything about you.  I love your eyes, your hair, your bodies, your personality, everything.  Well, almost everything.  For YEARS, the fairer sex has screamed for equality.  Equality in the workplace.  Equality during the voting process.  Equality, equality, equality.  And I agree that equality is important for all sexes, races, or religious preference.  But what about equality at home?  More specifically, what about equality in the bathroom? (Do you see where I’m going with this?)

For years, men have had to follow a rule when it came to using the bathroom:  Put the toilet seat down.  This rule is usually met with a lot of yelling and complaining when broken, with the occasional withholding of sexual favors.  But a recent occurrence has gotten me thinking about this rule.  (Without going into detail, I’ll just say that a female member of my household recently fell into the toilet)  Why is it that men have to do extra work in order to experience the joy of releasing bodily liquids?  Why are we responsible for having to lift the toilet seat up just to drain the lizard, and THEN put it down?  Before you ladies say something like “Because we don’t like it when you pee on the toilet seat,” consider this; The work it takes for us to walk into the bathroom, fiddle with our jeans, pull out our little friend (or big friend in some cases), aim, and then fire, is very time consuming and enough work as it is.  Add on to that those times when we’ve been holding it for a very long time.  When we get to the bathroom door, the stream of pee built up seems to have a mind and agenda of its own.  Our own muscles now must work overtime to contain said stream, which requires way more concentration.  So the concentration that we would be putting forth with our NORMAL ritual is now diverted to fighting back this raging river of pee.  During this lack of concentration, ANYTHING can happen.

The next argument you’ll try to present is, “Well you see the toilet when you walk in.”  To that I say, SO DO YOU!!!  You have to walk in forward, turn around, drop trou, and then sit.  There’s no aiming, no fiddling, no pulling.  Just turn, drop, and sit.  Somewhere in there you can fit in, “put down seat.”  We have to do it when we have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.  If you insist that we put the toilet seat down after we use it, don’t complain when you go in there and there is a little bit of drippy drippy on the seat.  We surely don’t complain when we see a little bit of red patches that you missed during your special time of the month.  (And believe me, that is only the second grossest thing we have to see in the bathroom.)

In the interest of equality, I’ve come up with a solution.  Since you insist that we put the toilet seat up, how about this.  Every time we finish using the bathroom, we’ll put the toilet seat down.  Every time you finish using the bathroom, you put the toilet seat up.  That’s fair and then you’ll know who the last person was that used the bathroom so there can be no mistake.  Equality at its finest.

Speaking of equality, I wanna touch on this while it’s on my mind.  I believe people should be allowed to choose their religious preference, what race they wish to date, and what sex they wish to date.  I believe that these people should be free from persecution and ridicule for the choices they make.  I truly believe in equality for all.  Having said that, HOMOSEXUALS AND MINORITIES NEED TO STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING INNOCENT HOMOSEXUAL OR ABOUT RACE!!!!  I’m looking squarely at the issues of the Trayvon Martin case and Bert and Ernie.

Let’s start with Trayvon Martin.  Nobody but Trayvon and Zimmerman know what happened that night.  The only thing we know is that a teenage boy was shot and killed by on older man.  Stop putting so much emphasis on that it was a black boy killed by a white man.  The boy could have been white, black, Chinese, Martian, IT WOULDN’T MATTER!  The fact of the matter is someone got killed because a man, who could have been any race, decided to shoot him for WHATEVER reason.  The merit of this case is whether or not it was in self-defense or not.  That’s the case.  It’s not a racial case like people are making it.  Stop trying to set our country back 300 years and take things for what they are.  If it was a racial shooting, then it will come out and then you can complain.  But until then, take the case for what it is.

Now on to Bert and Ernie.  Where do I begin?  Sesame Street started in 1969.  Back then, it was common place for a lot of poor people to share one bed because they couldn’t afford another one.  How many times have you heard your parents say they shared a bed with their sister, brother, cousin, or whoever was living with them?  It’s 2012 and the two still share a room, but now sleep in separate beds.  However, people keep saying that the two are in a homosexual relationship, with the gay and lesbian community imploring the Children’s Television Workshop to have the two finally come out of the closet.

Here is the issue I take with this.  Bert and Ernie have been best friends for over 40 years.  Besides the fact that neither have aged and no one knows how old these Muppets are, they are FRIENDS.  Has anyone ever considered the possibility that Sesame Street is one big ghetto, with Bert and Ernie living off of Section 8 housing?  Did anyone consider that Elmo is in the corner smoking PCP because he spends 15 minutes at the end of each episode living in a crayon world?  Or did anyone consider this; that this is an educational kid’s show and these characters are designed to show kids that you can be friends with people who are completely different from you? (I know.  That last option is way too farfetched to be true.)  Again, take it for what it is and stop trying to look for a deeper meaning or for an issue that just isn’t there.

Thanks again for reading and as always, Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease.